annathepiper: Test pitch time!

Anna the Piper (

annathepiper) wrote,
@ 2008-05-01 23:05:00

Entry tags:

writing

Test pitch time!
This is a bit early yet given that I've only begun to scratch the surface of my second draft revisions--but I wanted to start playing with a proper pitch for Queen of Souls. I'm putting this out on this journal rather than annathewriter for maximum potential replies, and also because some of y'all who made noises about beta reading for me don't read that journal.

If you were interested in beta reading before but wound up not having the time, or heck, if you just want to, take a peek and let me know if you think the pitch works. And if not, what I should do to it! This'll be a quick and easy way for you to contribute to the care and feeding of this novel.

A girl's best friend is her mother--and no mother is more fierce than Demeter the Life-Giver.

Demeter has never forgiven her brother Hades for stealing her precious only daughter. Three thousand years ago, desperate to free Persephone from the bond that pulls her back to the Underworld each year, she committed the ultimate sacrifice: transforming herself and her child into mortals. They have walked ever since in countless lifetimes across the earth, reincarnating when their human shapes die, while their eternal souls remain forever out of Hades' reach.

The loss of his queen has nearly driven Hades mad. Consumed by grief and remorse, determined to win Persephone back to his side, he has abandoned his realm to search for her. Yet the Persephone he finds knows herself only as the mortal woman Korinne Marlowe. And her vengeful mother will stop at nothing to prevent him from stealing her again.

None of them know that a power greater and older than them all is about to rise and seize his chance to take back the earth he once ruled--or that Demeter's daughter will have to prove herself far more than any of the gods have ever imagined if they are to defeat the Lord of Time itself.

(Post a new comment)

	mari_mac1109 2008-05-02 06:11 am UTC (link)
	The last paragraph didn't feel as strong as the rest to me, but I'm not quite sure what I would change. Sounds very compelling, though! (Reply to this)(Thread)

	annathepiper 2008-05-02 08:48 pm UTC (link)
	I'm hearing a lot of "meh" about the last paragraph, yeah; do you think the pitch would work better for you if I dropped it entirely? Or do you feel that some version of it needs to stay there? Thanks for chiming in. :) (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

mari_mac1109
2008-05-02 11:16 pm UTC (link)

Well, I'm not entirely familiar with the plot, so take this with a grain of salt, but it seems some variation of it is necessary. You introduced a problem [which seems] larger than the characters themselves, and I think that needs to be in a summary. Now, not knowing the full plot, the summary without the last paragraph sounds compelling, but I wouldn't know if it does the actual plot justice.

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	annathepiper 2008-05-02 11:18 pm UTC (link)
	Fair 'nuff--and logrusboy has interesting commentary on this, further down the thread. So yeah, I think the last paragraph is still in the running, if I can work out a better version! (Reply to this)(Parent)

	casirafics 2008-05-02 07:00 am UTC (link)
	Agreed on the last paragraph -- I'd start by cinching up the verbiage. ("None of them know an ancient power greater than them all...", skip the "rise and," "reclaim" instead of "take back," that sort of thing.) Also, you've probably lost every female agent who doesn't get along with her mother from the very first line. :) Other than that, though, I like! I'd read. (Reply to this)(Thread)

	annathepiper 2008-05-02 08:47 pm UTC (link)
	Jessica gave me an excellent alternate suggestion for the first bit that I think I'll run with, but I'm not sure yet about the last bit. Do you think it should stay, vs. keeping the pitch focused strictly on Demeter, Hades, and Persephone? (Reply to this)(Parent)

tiggymalvern
2008-05-02 07:08 am UTC (link)

I'm with

mari_mac1109 - the first few paragraphs sound stunning, original, a neat and novel take on a very old myth. The last just sounds too fantasy cliche - the ultimate evil, yadda yadda.

Ultimate evils are a fixed part of the fantasy genre, but I'd still be inclined to downplay that angle and concentrate on what every other book you're pitching against doesn't have. (Though, of course, I'm probably not your target audience, since the prevalence of Ultimate Evils is a big part of why I stopped reading fantasy, and now stick to sci-fi for the most part.)

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	annathepiper 2008-05-02 08:46 pm UTC (link)
	I'm hearing a lot of "ditch the last bit", yeah--and you're giving a good reason why, here, thanks much. :) I need to think about that some and whether focusing strictly on Demeter, Hades, and Persephone's parts in this story is enough for the hook. (Reply to this)(Parent)

mizkit
2008-05-02 07:59 am UTC (link)

Agreement with general comments, suggest something to the effect of:

But a power greater and older than them all is rising to take back the earth he once ruled--and Korrine will have to prove herself worthy to stand among the gods if they're to defeat the Lord of Time itself.

Also, either use "it" in "the earth he once ruled" or "himself" for the last word there.

Go Rill! :)

(Reply to this)(Thread)

	annathepiper 2008-05-02 08:44 pm UTC (link)
	Ooh, thanks for chiming in, hon! I'll try a second draft of this pitch with your suggested end bit; others on the thread are saying I might want to drop the last paragraph entirely and leave out the mention of Cronus, but I'm still thinking about that part. (Reply to this)(Parent)

logrusboy
2008-05-02 10:55 pm UTC (link)

I'm with Catie on this one, and not just because I'm a sycophantic dweeb. :)

I think you lose nothing by dropping the first paragraph; the rest explains things nicely.

I think you would lose something important by entirely dropping the last paragraph. Without it, you establish an expectation that the book is "Demeter vs. Hades for possession of the secondary character Persephone". Catie's phrasing changes the expectation to something much more like "Persephone has to sort out the crap with mom and the hubby while figuring out how to save the world."

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	annathepiper 2008-05-02 10:57 pm UTC (link)
	..... oooh, you have a very excellent point about the last paragraph. Because you're right. While Demeter vs. Hades is the conflict out in front, the Everybody Vs. Cronus conflict takes precedence at the end. Thank you very much for chiming in! (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	logrusboy 2008-05-02 11:02 pm UTC (link)
	My pleasure. And I forgot to answer the question at hand. Yes, I'd buy this. Okay, I never buy a book from the summary alone. But I'd at least open it up and read a few pages, in a hoping it's as good as it sounds way rather than something more cynical and skeptical. Edited at 2008-05-02 11:02 pm UTC (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	annathepiper 2008-05-02 11:03 pm UTC (link)
	Glad to hear it! And while I'm polishing up this pitch, hopefully the second draft will get closer to hooking whatever readers the pitch draws in. ;) (Reply to this)(Parent)

jessicac
2008-05-02 01:44 pm UTC (link)

Good. Agree with the general coments on the last part. And because I've heard so many years to come with solutions and not just problems...

You might change the first line a bit, following on the other comment of mother as best friend = not cognizant for many, many readers and downright repugnant to some. Try something like "No love is greater than that of a mother for her child - and no mother is more fierce in the love than Demeter the Life-Giver."

Last line re-tooling... hmm...

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	angelina_zooma 2008-05-02 02:03 pm UTC (link)
	I agree with this one as well, I love my mom, but she's not my best friend, so that kinda threw everything off for me. Overall though it sounds like a really intriguing story. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	annathepiper 2008-05-02 04:27 pm UTC (link)
	Heh, thanks. :) I think I was going for a bit of irony there, a tone of Demeter as the Divine Mommy Dearest or something, but it doesn't seem to fit the rest of the pitch. Or, for that matter, the story. I'll work on changing that. Thanks for chiming in! (Reply to this)(Parent)

	annathepiper 2008-05-02 08:43 pm UTC (link)
	Ooo. I'm hearing what everybody is saying about the first line, yeah, but I really like your suggestion for an alternate phrasing. Thank you very much. I think that'll fit in a lot better with the rest of the pitch as well as the story in general. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	Queen of Souls jessicac 2008-05-20 07:00 am UTC (link)
	PS - I devoured the first draft of QofS yesterday and loved it. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	Re: Queen of Souls annathepiper 2008-05-20 02:04 pm UTC (link)
	Aw. I am delighted to hear it. :) (Reply to this)(Parent)

	angharads_house 2008-05-02 01:46 pm UTC (link)
	Would likely prefer to lose the last paragraph altogether. First three do the trick; concur with the tiggymalvern's comment anent fantasy cliché. On the whole, very well done! As the saying would have it, "cool beans!" Angharad experimental linguist and wrencher of seized-up prose (Reply to this)(Thread)

	annathepiper 2008-05-02 08:41 pm UTC (link)
	I'm hearing a lot of "change the first bit" and "lose the last bit" here, yeah. And I'll see about both of these suggestions when I do the next draft of this pitch. But I definitely like this pitch approach better than the first attempt at a QoS pitch, which was framing it purely from Kori's POV. Thanks for your input! Much appreciated. :) (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	angharads_house 2008-05-02 08:51 pm UTC (link)
	Makes sense. Nearly everyone thinks that the main/sole/only interesting story is from the viewpoint of E Kori, so it begins to become 'old news' after a while. Best of fortune to thee, and fair winds besides! Here, have a hat picture. I am in a hat mood today. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	annathepiper 2008-05-02 08:52 pm UTC (link)
	Yay, hats! :) (Reply to this)(Parent)

	starfallz 2008-05-02 03:06 pm UTC (link)
	Agreed with the comments about the first line. I felt more like the first line and the first sentence of the first paragraph felt something like disconnected or dumbed down. The rest of it seemed pretty strong and intriguing except the last paragraph. (Reply to this)(Thread)

	annathepiper 2008-05-02 04:21 pm UTC (link)
	Thanks for chiming in! Yeah, I'm hearing a lot of "tighten up the beginning and the ending bits" here. :) (Reply to this)(Parent)

	pinkdormouse 2008-05-02 03:12 pm UTC (link)
	Do you realy need that last paragraph? The first three stand on their own pretty well. (Reply to this)(Thread)

	annathepiper 2008-05-02 04:16 pm UTC (link)
	Hrmm. Hrmm. Fair question. I wanted to give some kind of hint about Cronus as the Big Bad of the story, but you're right, the previous paragraphs may be enough to function as a hook. I'll think about that. Thanks! (Reply to this)(Parent)

mamishka
2008-05-02 07:44 pm UTC (link)

I think I would give a little bit more about the struggle to 'awaken' Persephone and Hades struggle to win her back, her mother's struggle to keep her hidden. That's the main beef of the story as I recall. I would make mention of Chronos not so much as a great powerful evil that they will have to overcome, but more that their struggles and distractions have blinded them to their (Hades) duty and that there will be consequences to all of their actions that they never foresaw, or something along those lines.

For some reason the very first line doesn't work for me at all. My mother is my best friend, but most people I know would not agree and that could easily turn someone off before they get to the next sentence. My recommendation is to cut it entirely or change it.

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annathepiper
2008-05-02 08:37 pm UTC (link)

Yeah, the first line will definitely be getting changed; I think I had an idea in my head about a style of pitch that actually doesn't work, either for the rest of this pitch or for the story itself.

There's going to be a lot more about Cronus in the second draft of the story, but yeah, based on commentary above, I may just be able to go ahead and leave that out. What's going on with Demeter, Hades, and Persephone as the initial power players here may be enough to write the necessary hook.

Thanks for chiming in, babe! :)

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	sutures1 2008-05-05 01:41 am UTC (link)
	Speaking as a mom, I have to take issue with that "vengeful" thang. Demeter did what she did to protect Persephone from Hades, not to revenge herself upon him, right? I would call her "desperate," perhaps, in her maternal instincts, but not vengeful per se. (Reply to this)(Thread)

annathepiper
2008-05-05 02:06 am UTC (link)

Hrmm. My original intent here was that Demeter is absolutely vengeful against Hades, and would rip him to shreds--if she could take him. She can't. He's a warrior and her powers and abilities do not lend themselves to war.

However, you are absolutely correct in that she's also desperate here. I'll think about dropping that word for the second draft of this pitch. Thanks. :)

(Reply to this)(Parent)

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